Even before taking office, President-elect Donald J. Trump has unveiled his plan for a futuristic transportation system, dubbed the TrumpRail, which would send passengers at 120 miles per hour across Pensacola Bay and cut travel time between downtown Pensacola and Pensacola Beach to 5 minutes.
Trump made the announcement as part of a pledge to “make America’s infrastructure great again” and to build hundreds of new useless infrastructure projects across the country, including the $100 billion “Great Wall of America” along the U.S.-Mexico border by 2020 he promised he would build during his presidential campaign.
“You know, I think projects like this will make us stronger,” Trump said from his Trump Tower office perched high above Midtown Manhattan. “We’re going to take jobs back from China, back from Japan, and build the best monorails. You’re going to love me after I build this monorail for you, folks.”
Trump said the monorail would be built by Shougang-Valresk Corporation, a Chinese-Russian conglomerate which has long produced Trump-branded clothing and steaks.
The Russian state-controlled rail company RZD will also consult on the project, Trump said
When pressed on how he would pay for the $5 billion monorail project, Trump plainly said he would make Spain pay for it as part of what he says are “unpaid debts” for the Spanish Empire’s surrender of Pensacola more than 200 years ago to American General Andrew Jackson.
“Look, he said he’s gonna do it, and he’s gonna do it, okay?” said newly elected representative Matt Gaetz, who was an early supporter to jump on the Trump bandwagon so that he could pander to his electorate in Northwest Florida. “If you don’t like it, you can go back to your libtard PC safe space. MAGA!”
Trump said he’s confident the new monorail will be a huge success, despite the apparent lack of demand for the project and the fact that no feasibility study has been undertaken.
“Look, I’ve consulted with some smart folks on this,” Trump said. “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain. I know how to build things. And only I can fix America’s problems.”
“Plus, I owe the Russians and Chinese a favor for all of their help during the campaign,” he added. “So it’s a win-win.”
The preceding has been completely fake news produced for satirical purposes only.