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There was hardly a dry eye in the Pensacola City Council’s chambers Tuesday as popular city councilman Charles Bare wrapped up a wildly productive four-year term on the council.

Bare was elected in 2012 to the council’s at-large seat, which was somehow eliminated in a 2013 referendum despite Bare’s overwhelming popularity and record of legislative accomplishment.

One of Bare’s signature achievements is his 2013 ordinance which set the speed limit in city parks at 15 miles per hour and banned parking on the the grass at parks.

“Every morning, I thank God for my health, my family, and for Charles Bare,” said city resident and activist Melanie Nichols. “If it weren’t for him, we’d still have people drag-racing through Bayview Park and parking in the middle of soccer fields. It’d be anarchy.”

Bare will also be remembered for bravely growing the size of government in a community where many favor smaller government. Over the past year, Bare’s city council has tripled the size of the Office of City Council staff, increasing the office’s payroll to more than $400,000 a year.

In another example of Bare’s trademark courage, he invited Satanic Temple member David Suhor to perform the first satanic invocation at a Pensacola City Council meeting earlier this year, at one point asking police officers to remove pastors and other Christians from the chamber so that Suhor could continue his chant uninterrupted.

In addition to his long list of legislative achievements — certainly too long to list here — Bare has also been a strong advocate for free parking for city council members. “There are very few benefits that council members get,” Bare told Pensacola Magazine in 2015. “It would be nice that if we went to visit someone at a business or attend an event, we could park and not get a ticket.”

“From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank Charles Bare,” said twice-failed mayoral and city council candidate C.J. Lewis. “He really broke that glass ceiling and showed us all that it’s possible for kooks like him and I to get elected every now and then.”

Bare said Tuesday he was turning his attention to a new career as an aspiring writer, noting that he’s written more than 70,000 words during November as part of a National Novel Writing Month, or “NaNoWriMo” project. “I can only hope my novel is as thoroughly and completely successful as my time on the city council has been,” Bare said.

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The preceding has been completely fake news produced for satirical purposes only.

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