The Pensacola City Council’s approval rating has somehow dropped below zero, pollsters announced Friday, puzzling analysts and mathematicians, who have spent days trying to figure out how the council’s approval rating could fall below the seemingly impossible threshold of zero.
A recent survey of some 600 city residents found that 108 percent of residents disapproved of the city’s “governing body,” with only -17 percent of respondents saying they had a favorable opinion of the council, which recently spent several hours discussing changing rules that it doesn’t enforce anyway. Nine percent of those surveyed simply said, “Huh? City what?”
“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said acclaimed statistician Nate Silver. “I mean, the approval rating of Congress has dropped down into the single digits before, but this city council in Pensacola has somehow managed to break through that glass floor and register unprecedentedly low numbers.”
The council’s record low approval ratings come amid an uptick in the length of council meetings, including a recent meeting which lasted more than seven hours. Labor officials warned Friday that should the council’s meetings get any longer, council members will have to be provided legally-mandated meal breaks, with alternate council members being elected to work council meetings in shifts.
Seventy-three percent of those polled support asking the state and federal governments to issue a disaster declaration and send in emergency management officials, National Guard troops, and other resources to save the city from the growing dysfunction posed by the council.
“Please,” said one respondent. “For god’s sake, help us.”
The preceding has been completely fake news produced for satirical purposes only.