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Wilmer Mitchell has seen a lot in his days, but for the 109-year-old patriarch of the Seville Quarter empire, nothing compares to the danger presented by food trucks.

“Stop the food trucks!” screeched Mitchell from his perch somewhere inside Rosie O’Grady’s. “The end is nigh! The floodgates hath been unleashed!”

Mitchell is referring to the food trucks ordinance tentatively passed last month by Pensacola’s city council. Tomorrow night, the council is set to take a final vote on the issue, and Mitchell warns that destruction and damnation await us all if the ordinance is approved.

“I can’t overstate what a post-apocalyptic hellscape downtown Pensacola will be if we let food trucks in here,” said Mitchell. “Thousands of food trucks will descend on our streets, taking every parking space for miles. Before long, every brick-and-mortar restaurant within fifty miles will shut its doors. And that’s when the food truck people will seize city hall and open up the re-education camps.”

Mitchell says that food trucks have been responsible for most of humanity’s lowest points, including the stock market crash of 1929 and Hurricane Katrina.

“Multiple people report seeing food trucks near Dealey Plaza on the day Kennedy was shot,” Mitchell said. “Coincidence? I think not.”

Wilmer Mitchell is president of Seville Quarter. He didn’t actually say any of these things.

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